Black men, White men, and every man deserve a fair shot
I am pissed as I write this blog post. I generally refrain from writing blog posts when I am mad because it sometimes can cloud one’s judgment. I have however heard this crap enough that even when pissed I can address it.
Before I get into my prose, let me assert to everyone reading this, I am mostly void of overt or internal prejudices. I say mostly because like muscle memory there seem to be certain parts of the unconscious mind that behaves that way and must be retrained whenever it involuntarily reacts.
Beauty is subjective and society tends to arbitrarily define it at the detriment of many. I believe all human beings are inherently beautiful irrespective of race or skin tone. This is not a cliché, I have been reprogramming my mind not to think based on the caricatures we see in the mass media. Lastly, I believe folks should be with whomever they want to be with. Moreover if they find a certain tone, race, size, shape, hair type, and culture, that turns them on more so than some other, they should feel free to do so.
That said, what I find ignorant about the article “Why I Am No Longer Interested In Black Men” is the generalization the author Wendy James makes. As an engineer I am generally concerned about numbers first. They are absolute.
According Pew, a record 14.6% of all new marriages in the United States in 2008 were between spouses of a different race or ethnicity from one another. Since the article is about Black men relative to Black women I will concentrate there. 16% of Blacks marry outside their race. 22% of Black males marry outside the race while 9% of Black females marry outside their race. Before black women jump on that number they must note socioeconomic reason that can be inferred for both Black men and Black Women that is beyond the scope of this post. Suffice it to say that by the numbers 78% of Black men marry Black women. If one extrapolates a much higher incarceration rate for black males in the lower economic strata and that folks in a higher economic strata live in more integrated areas, it should not be difficult to normalize those numbers.
But back to the article at hand. When growing up my mother always told my two sisters and me that if you lay with dogs you generally rose with fleas. In other words you tend to mimic those you surround or vice versa.
Wendy James said,
I used to love black men so much that I dated them exclusively for a long time and then I began to notice something.
The love is unlikely to be returned.
Why would she do that? This is 2014. One would think she would date someone attuned to her. Her making race a qualifying factor is no different than the ignorant Black man who dates exclusively White women.
Wendy James statement below is probative and it puts my mother’s words into context.
Initially, it began with celebrities. Many black male celebrities are married to or dating non-black women. Names like golfer Tiger Woods, basketball champ Kobe Bryant and billionaire and music mogul Dr Dre, who could contribute significantly to the black community and to black families, have chosen not to.
They avoid black women like the plague. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating but the level that black men do is distressing. It’s as if they believe that dating white women will make society more accepting of them.
In the UK, you would be fortunate to find a black footballer or even a black actor with a black wife. They loathe their women so much that they even slander them in front of their white companions, much like the black male I mention in the opening paragraph. The hurtful and humiliating comments appear to be a dismal attempt to ruin the self-esteem of their women.
Her frame of reference are the entertainers and the athletes. Though very visible they represent a fraction of the entire Black male population, yet she holds them up as representative. Most Americans should (or anyone else) should not use entertainers and athletes as marriage validators or trend setters.
There is self-hate in every race, culture, or creed. It is true that it is more prevalent in Blacks and Browns because White privilege is still in vogue however hidden or unrecognized by most. The solution is not writing shallow pieces like Wendy James’ article. I am sure she lashed out because of what has happened to her. She must take responsibility for her own part in her problems with Black men. And to Black women and all women in general, maybe when misogyny is no longer supported by your support of misogynistic entertainers and athletes, things would change for you.
Maybe Wendy James should try some Engineers, Accountants, Doctors, Lawyers, Plumbers, Electricians, Policemen, Firemen, Sanitary Engineer etc. of any race. It seems like her pool based on her examples may be very narrow and limited.
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“I am sure she lashed out because of what has happened to her. She must take responsibility for her own part in her problems with Black men.”
From my perspective, Ms. James did not “lash out”. She stated emotional and social facts from a typical African-American (Afram) woman’s point of view. Many Afram men with any type of public platform (web, film, tv, barbershop or even the aisles of city buses) have been on a decades long rampage of publicly insulting Afram women.
Men of other ethnic groups also have issues with women in their communities. However, from the perspective of Afram women, only Afram men have gone to such sickening lengths to publicly disrespect the women in their lives and in their communities. If a list of disrespectful utterances and images that I have heard and seen just this past year, were included in this comment it would crash your server.
Afram women seem to be convenient targets for Afram men who are consumed with self hatred and deep insecurities. Afram men would be better served by dealing first with the Black person in the mirror. When they learn to love that person, loving and cherishing Black women will be effortless.
Mr. Willies, you implore, Ms. James to,” take responsibility for her own part in her problems with Black men.” That is sound advice that should be applied in equal measure to Afram men and boys.
I think I partially agree with you. Men must take responsibility and rear responsible boys. I however stand by this statement. For too long many women, not only black women have tolerated men degrading them and in many respect rewarding them for said actions. For too long many women have simply had the bad boy syndrome. If one is honest, one would see that in the formative years ‘bad boys’ have gotten a pass. Bad boys become bad men.
Mr. Willies, your “bad boys” argument still puts the burden of responsibility on women and not men.
There are many Afram women who put up with negative behavior in Afram men. In many cases, these women have never had a decent (or present) father in their lives. In short, they have ‘daddy issues’. When an any girl lacks a loving and present father to affirm her femininity and intrinsic value at an early age she will go through years and sometimes a full lifetime of settling for men who are unwilling to treat her with respect.
My issue is more with the overall culture of disrespect that Afram women endure everyday. In your article, you quote Ms. James as saying,
“Many black male celebrities are married to or dating non-black women. Names like golfer Tiger Woods, basketball champ Kobe Bryant and billionaire and music mogul Dr Dre, who could contribute significantly to the black community and to black families, have chosen not to.
They avoid black women like the plague. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating but the level that black men do is distressing. It’s as if they believe that dating white women will make society more accepting of them.
In the UK, you would be fortunate to find a black footballer or even a black actor with a black wife. They loathe their women so much that they even slander them in front of their white companions, much like the black male I mention in the opening paragraph. The hurtful and humiliating comments appear to be a dismal attempt to ruin the self-esteem of their women.”
Women who are emotionally healthy will naturally assess such a culture as undesirable and seek alternatives. That seems to be the route that Ms. James has taken. She seems to want men who are emotionally stable, available and able to reciprocate. Many Afram men in this era are emotionally stunted, unlike the mature, responsible Afram men who were in the majority in past decades. There are many reasons for this development, but it still behooves Afram men to take a long hard look at themselves as a group and work to root out their internal racism.
I am a black man who has dated mostly black women. For a short time over a decade ago, I dated outside my race(Bangladesh woman), but I went right back to black women and I’m certain I’ll remain with black women.
While I have no problem with black women being with whomever it is that makes them happy, I want to keep certain things in mind that may explain why black women may be expanding their choices with numbers and what is really going on with the occasional claim, ‘There are no more good black men’ with numbers.
1. We as Black People are descendants of an Ancient Royal People who were conquered in our country, sold as slaves, and after millions died from Slavery & Racist crimes, we only make up 13 to 16% of the U.S. population. We are a Remnant of descendants of the survivors of worse times. Again, black people only make up 13% or at the most 16% of the US population. Let that sink in.
2. There are many different types of black people with different fundamental views. Christians, Muslims, Democrat, Conservative, athiest, Upper Class, Mostly Lower Class, etc. Unfortunately we are not a united people with united views. Fundamental views that being a match is not easy for any black man or woman.
3. Since single parent homes are sadly extremely common in the black community, it can create subconscious resentment towards the missing parent and opposite sex, causing some black men & some black women to treat the opposite sex of their same race with unusual disrespect or anger stemming from that rough childhood.
4. Among others, classism has seeped into our culture like tar, which is and subtle economic culture of racism. The saying-‘I’ll only marry someone who makes as much money as me’ is skyrocketing in popularity. This is touched on in the book ‘Disintegration-The Splintering of Black America’
5. Lastly, Injustice is high when it comes to black men and numbers show that the majority of those incidents reveal that corruption is unusually high among Police nation wide, which serves as a money making structure of Injustice during Inflation to prevent furloughs. In short, Police are the thugs. Not black men. The media and it’s stereo types don’t help. The exclusion of Undaground Hip Hop and it’s continuing showcase doesn’t help. Seeing Lil Wayne more often than Wu-Tang is a problem. The new generation has not had a powerful black edutainment experience like the 70s & 90s. Add the economy and lack of jobs, and we have the perfect Systematic storm to break the financial stability of black america. No more middle class due to the greedy 1%.
So we have less marriages, less home buying, etc because we’re living in a time of great corporate greed, price increases through inflation, and conservative controlled media and radio as opposed to the 70s & 90s.
Did you all know that many Americans period, have considered moving to another country, just because they’re fed up with this Recession/Inflation?
So black women wish to look for love outside the black community and maybe outside the United States.
Well I say to black women, welcome to a growing number of Americans. Even if a black man or woman still wishes to date within the same race, they are still becoming interested in doing it in another country.
In my opinion, this is the result of Inflation and not a result of there being a decreasing number of good black men.
Almost just like this Trash Rap on the radio nowadays as opposed to that Real Hip Hop in the 90s, America is wack nowadays and doesn’t have as much to offer the black community with it’s lack of jobs. We’ve got President Obama and I love him, voted for him, & I can’t stand Republicans, but that greed that started with Bush’s Administration along with the raising of prices and lack of jobs and lack of funding for schools, education, grants, etc like there used to be isn’t there.
Our parents lived in a time when gas was 35 cents a gallon. 20 dollars was like 100 dollars in a grocery store. The Ultra Rich & Racist 1% is playing games with the times we’re living in and it’s tearing right through the black community’s economy which has created worse steep hill economic situations for black men black women and the black community.
That’s how I see what’s happening. Let the economy go back to the way it was with our parents and grandparents time and watch relationships between black men and black women dramatically increase.
Let gas be 35 cents a gallon right now and 20 dollars get about 100 dollars worth of groceries now and I guarantee you relationships between black men & black women would increase wildly, & relationships, marriages, & home buying would increase among ALL Americans of ALL races.
I hope my contribution to the conversation was insightful. That’s how I see all of this.